The Boundaries of Giants
When your silence inspires more concern than your words, that's when you know you're approaching genuine respect.
A popular topic on any of the Red Pill Dating Podcasts I appear on is usually some variation of what I’ve come to call the Boundaries Scenario. There are a lot of versions of it, but on my show, Access Vegas, it goes something like this:
Rollo, my girlfriend/wife, asked me if I was okay with her going on a weekend trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriends. Her girlfriends are all single and love hitting the clubs in Vegas every three months. She swore on a stack of Bibles she’d never cheat on me, and she’s only going to dance and have a good time with her girls.
I’m totally not cool with this. I know what happens on trips like these, and her girlfriends love to slut it up! What should I say? If I say no, then I come off as insecure and controlling, but if I say yes, I’m just setting myself up to get cucked or worse.
I’m deliberately leaving out a lot of details from this. Guys like to bog down the scenario with minute details, whatabouts, and ‘what ifs.’ This is to cope with their scarcity mentality. What they miss is the underlying meaning of the scenario. It’s about a man’s boundaries.
Nothing aggravates entitled women and low-value men like a man establishing clearly defined boundaries in his relationship. Traditional Masculinity influencers talk a lot about men setting firm boundaries with women to assert an authority they never had, but in practice, this conflicts with their “respect women” narratives.
Women’s boundaries are an implicit part of being monogamous with a guy at all. You could even say her boundaries are the relationship. Comply, or goodbye, is the default setting for women since they are the gatekeepers of their sexuality – and, if we’re honest, the commitment too. Average men live in such a state of sexual scarcity that they never question a woman’s Frame. Most men think it’s the only way a relationship can be formed. They expect that a healthy relationship begins with him ceding Frame to her – they just call it respecting women.
But average men are never allowed to have standards, much less deal-breaking boundaries for women that have consequences for violating. Men having standards or boundaries breaks the egalitarian norm that we think defines a good relationship. Even high-value men, aware of their inherent worth to a woman, will still have a hard time establishing boundaries because the appearance of being controlling has been something they’ve been told to avoid with women. She should be her own person and be in charge of her decisions. You don’t own her! You don’t want a slave, do you?
The egalitarian ideal has a built-in, unfalsifiable failsafe: A man wanting to put boundaries on his relationship implies a lack of trust and calls the security of his masculinity into question. And as odd as this sounds, I heartily agree.
My answer to this scenario’s question is simple:
Tell her you have no problem with her going to Vegas with the girls. Tell her you appreciate her asking you if you’re okay with it (she just did you a favor). Let her go, and as soon as she leaves for the weekend, promptly collect all her things in boxes and either leave them on the sidewalk or take them to her mom’s house. Change the locks on your home if necessary, and delete all her contacts, emails, and social media links from your devices. In essence, Ghost her because you’re done with her.
“What! But Rollo, isn’t that extreme? Doesn’t she deserve a warning? An Alpha man would put his foot down and tell her, NO, when she first asked!”
Nope.
First, the scenario isn’t about boundaries. It’s about genuine desire. It’s not that she asked you permission to go to Vegas. It’s that she wanted to go at all. As mentioned in The Desire Dynamic, you can’t negotiate desire. You can obligate a woman’s compliance with ultimatums and threats of consequences – but she still wants to go to Vegas. That want is the real issue in this scenario. It’s why I said you should tell her you appreciate her honesty in asking if you’re good with her going. She showed you what her priorities are and where her desire is without being prompted. The Medium IS the Message, and you understand that message.
Secondly, boundaries are meaningless without real consequences attached to them. Boundaries are better discovered than talked about. If a woman cannot intuit what my boundaries are on her own, her interest level and desire are not high enough, and we're both wasting each other's time. The same applies to men who call you a friend and want to do business with you. But if a woman lacks the insight to know and respect your boundaries without being told, she lacks the desire, respect, and admiration needed to be considered someone worthy of you sacrificing anything for.
If a woman (or a man) can't appreciate the value I bring to a relationship – well enough to have the insight to imagine my boundaries already – then they sure as Hell won't be inspired to that appreciation by me explaining my value to them.
Communicating boundaries can happen in many ways. My father rarely had to communicate the rules to me and my brother when we were growing up. We’d cross a line and get punished for it. After a time, we came to intuit what would be a boundary because of the previous infractions. My Dad would give us the look we learned to be wary of, but we damn well knew what it meant without a word being spoken. This presumption of boundaries was critical in our upbringing. Respecting my father’s boundaries (at risk of punishment) informed my value set as an adult. I constantly hear traditional conservatives and liberal progressives espouse the importance of instilling their core values in their children. But these values begin with the boundaries (or lack of them) that their parents enforce. So, why would we presume the same boundary dynamics shouldn’t apply to our personal relationships?
Why would you ever want to be with a woman or do business with a man who doesn't think, "Hmm, maybe doing this would be crossing the line with him? Maybe “this is a conflict of interests?” At the very least, questions about your boundaries ought to be brought up by those with the concern they may be crossing them. Men and women shouldn’t have to be reminded of your value to them if they fully appreciate it. If they cannot intuit your boundaries, they either don’t appreciate your value or they don’t respect you.
Insight is an exceptionally rare trait in women. After beauty and sexuality, insight is an attribute a man should vet a woman for in a relationship. Hubris and egoism define modern women today. Mix that with women's innate solipsism, and women will never learn nor respect a man's boundaries by explaining them to her. If she’s not that into you, you’re wasting each other’s time.
Demonstrate, Never Explicate
Law 9
Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate. — The 48 Laws of Power
When your silence inspires more concern than your words, that's when you know you're approaching genuine respect.
Dr. Jordan Peterson postures about how men need to be dangerous. Men should have a capacity for violence but keep the sword in the sheath. This is a weak premise. While he’s correct that men need to have a capacity for violence, he adds the caveat that men should keep it under control. But being judicious will never be respected unless you display your capacity for ruthlessness. The sword is "demonstration". The sheath is "explication".
Restraint always looks like cowardice unless you visibly use that sword as needed.
This speaks to a bigger concept that Jordan could never understand. Jordan will never be a dangerous man because there's no sword in his sheath. No one knows if you’re a world-champion MMA fighter unless you demonstrate that capacity for violence often enough for others to see when you’re showing restraint. Mercy is only a virtue when you have the power to punish.
The Walkaway
There is no greater demonstration of higher value for a man than walking away from a woman. The act implies a certainty of value. Even a woman’s strongest perception of higher value cannot compete with the certainty of value a man has when he disconnects himself from a woman who’s already accepted him for her intimacy.
While dread (even passive dread) is a strong signal of a man’s higher value, removing your intimate acceptance from a woman is the last word in demonstrating higher value. The problem inherent in this is that you must have that value. Red Pill noobs love the 'walk away' narrative because it seems like punishment or comeuppance. But it's just pragmatism.
Indifference is a superpower. Lesser men look for revenge in walking away. They need to explain themselves to teach her a lesson, but all this does is imply a concern that shouldn't be there. Revenge-seeking is another way to explain your value to people who don't merit your attention. If they couldn’t appreciate that value before they crossed a boundary, they sure as Hell won't appreciate your value if you explain it to them after the fact.
On every video I do, there's always some loser who drops a comment about how I suck, I look old, I talk too much, or some random bullshit. What they don't get is that they’re still implying concern by commenting at all. I'm important enough to occupy their thoughts for the few minutes it took to tell me to STFU.
Low-value men don't have the option to be indifferent or walk away. This is why haters obsess over leaving wordy diatribes in my chat and comments. They care. But they’ll never understand that walking away, executing the consequences of crossing a boundary, and being indifferent are all value statements.
Right now, that girl you disconnected from for crossing your boundaries, her imagination and self-doubt about your value are a far greater lesson than anything you could say to her. If she isn’t upset by you enforcing your boundaries, she lacks the investment and interest in you necessary for a healthy relationship.
Babies and Bathwater
Now, let’s march this back a bit. A lot of this may sound a bit like I’m suggesting you throw the baby out with the bathwater. Gathering up all her things and leaving them on the sidewalk is extreme, don’t you think, Rollo? Boundaries aren’t always girls’ trips to Vegas, but the extreme example is necessary to illustrate that most boundary infractions are minor and subtle. Boundaries get tested in the micro before progressing to compounded problems in the macro.
I liken this to pulling weeds. If you leave the garden unattended for too long, it gets overgrown with weeds. Eventually, you have to plow it under and start over unless you periodically pull the weeds as you see them come up. Enforcing boundaries is pulling weeds. You don’t have to end a relationship to enforce your boundaries, but your boundaries are better expressed through demonstrated consequences. You have to use the sword to appreciate the sheath. You must disincentivize undesired behavior to instill values in the children you love. You have to have the unsolicited respect and appreciation of your value with your peers for them to intuit what your boundaries are. You have to develop that disapproving Look to foster that intuition.
“O, it is excellent to have a giant's strength, but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant.” – Shakespeare
If men are ever to reclaim masculine authority in their families, it must begin with demonstrating the consequences of their boundaries with the women who would be part of that family. Average men have been conditioned to think that even aspiring to this authority is misogyny. However, assuming that authority is the basis of a stable relationship that a man is expected to be responsible for. You don’t have to wield that strength like a giant, but you must embrace that you possess a giant’s strength. Using it judiciously is not just your prerogative; it’s necessary to benefit those you love when they cross one of your boundaries.