Performance Anxiety

Masculinity is Performative, and women wouldn't have it any other way.

I joined my band, Trial of Ascension, in the fall of 2019, and we made some epic music until I relocated to Vegas in 2024. ToA taught me what being a ‘modern’ musician was all about. Granted, we were a Prog Metal band, so technical ‘perfection’ is part of the genre, but it was my first experience in playing with musicians who were better than I was. Technically.

I auditioned for the rhythm guitar spot in ToA in October of 2019. Mind you, I was 51 at the time. I used to think my age was the biggest obstacle to joining a band; I was wrong. When I was 22 and playing the L.A. metal scene in various bands, having a guy in the band who was 30 seemed like a liability. Performance, looks, and a cohesive theme were every bit as important as good songs and musicianship. The barrier to entry was astronomical then. Your guitarist had to be a “Guitar God,” your drummer and bassist had to be ‘in the pocket’ bulletproof, and your singer had to look like he was the inspiration for romance novel book covers. The 80’s model for commercial metal escalated to the point of unsustainability. All this died when Kurt Cobain played the first 4 chords of Smells Like Teen Spirit.