Earned Pussy vs. Free Pussy
Socially enforced monogamy and all its surrounding romantic mythologies are defined by earning pussy.
You cannot negotiate genuine desire.
This is one of my best-known quotes from The Rational Male. It resonated with so many men it’s practically synonymous with my work. There was a time in the early 2000s when I was doing peer counseling for men – most of whom were at least a decade my senior – as part of my undergraduate study. One consistent theme I got from almost all of them was how their marriages had been more sexually satisfying when they were dating their wives or before they’d committed to exclusivity with her. That’s always the crux of it for married men. They believed that the hot monkey sex they were having before “doing the right thing” and getting married was something that would define their quality woman in a long-term relationship.
Why was this the case for guys? I came up with this quote as part of the advice I gave while counseling one of these men. Like many other guys, he had gotten to the point that he would do almost anything to get back to that genuine desire that made committing to his wife a no-brainer. And, like many of these guys, he’d convinced his wife to go to marriage counseling to find out what exactly it was that he needed to do to “get her to come around” to wanting to bang him. Nothing was working for him. Even after his sessions, he was still sexless, or his wife would begrudgingly have lackluster ‘starfish’ sex with him due to some sense of obligation.
As a student of behavioral psychology, my interest was (and still is) in what motivates or incentivizes behavior in people (sometimes animals). What was it that inspired genuine desire as opposed to behavior that still has a purpose but was more motivated by future outcomes? You can make a case that genuine desire is also motivated by a perceived outcome. In this instance, I’m distinguishing between a natural, unsolicited desire instead of an incentive based on a preconceived outcome – if all goes according to plan.
This guy broke down in tears with me on at least two occasions. He couldn’t understand why what was supposed to work (open communication, rational discourse, and honest negotiation) wasn’t getting her to “come around” to having sex with him. Then, I thought, ‘You cannot negotiate genuine desire.’ Either a woman wants to fuck you, or she doesn’t. There are ways to prompt genuine desire – both behavioral and conditional – but as stated many times in the Manosphere, attraction is not a choice. The key word there is choice.
Few men would ‘choose’ to be attracted to an obese woman, and in many ways, this choice dynamic is why women promoting the ‘body acceptance’ narrative have a tough time of it. For all the nonsense about beauty being a social construct, arousal for men is rooted in evolved biology. Men can’t choose to get an erection for a woman they’re not aroused by.
The same holds for women, but the conditions are different. Women can and do have sex for reasons other than genuine desire. Negotiated desire isn’t desire at all, but women have readily used sexual access to achieve those perceived outcomes. Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance. A talented hooker or stripper may be a compelling actress, but the negotiation that takes place before the act can never make a woman want to have sex with her client. Attraction is not a choice, but arousal is not a choice either.
Hormonal
In her book, Hormonal, Dr. Martie Haselton and her team detail the idea of an Estrus state in human females. This research is underappreciated in the Manosphere, but this concept is integral to defining hypergamy. As most of my readers know, Hypergamy – women’s dualistic sexual strategy (and really life strategy) – is much more than a tendency of a woman to ‘marry up.’ In Hormonal, the ideas of Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks solidify with the research.
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